Yesterday I drank to emptiness, loss, loneliness, not wanting to move forward but back. Why are people so set on keeping everyone in life alive? Nothing matters unless they stop breathing. I feel numb, I cant feel when people care. I often just want to hurt myself again, but why? Why can't I be content? What's wrong with me? Does it bring out peoples emotions so I can see? Am I afraid to get sicker? Does it give me that difference I need? Nothing can take it's place. How about attachment to my past, does it bring me back? Adrenaline maybe? I survived another day. Avoidance keeps me awake, talking to people puts me back to sleep. Then I need clear days to be awake again. Hit me with reality. Am I just mad?
It wasn't an emergency. I told the doctor the voices told me to kill myself, a few years back of course. My mom was with Karli, my sisters were with me. They admitted me. I cried. Mom fought to get me out when she heard, Small rooms, locked doors. I was claustrophobic. I couldn't breath. Mom got me out by finding the right person that night. It was an act by God. That person was about to leave. Traumatizing and awful.
Sometimes I want to yell. You's aren't here, and I need yous. But even when they're here it's not permanent. Flyleaf once told me they might contact me back. A year ago. I get mad, they don't care and I need them to. I can say that to anybody.
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