Irrevicably

Gone crazy, be back Tuesday!

A saying on the internet, another one is, I'd rather be alone and unhappy then not alone and still unhappy, so true! Maybe that's why being around people is so hard.

The day I found out Karli was diagnosed, I was in the downstairs bedroom. Mom told me Karli was going to die, she was sick. I was ok until I went into the hallway and saw her. I started crying. She said "What's wrong?" and mom told her " She's afraid to get shot." Karli started crying too.

When Karli was diagnosed, daddy was tested positive too. It's genetic. Karli was a hero, to me and everyone. She experienced so much pain and still smiled. She loved to be called Princess Karli Belle. She loved God and Jesus, and always kept Jesus in her heart. We got Karli's baby Sully from an abusive home, after the Monster Inc. He wasn't supposed to grow to more then a Beagle. He's black and whie spotted and 100 pounds. We're thinking maybe he's American Bull Dog. He's unique. He's Sully, our big Eeyore.

Daddy loved rabbits. We'd have a bunch at a time. Never a dog before Sully. He didn’t' want dogs. He was so cute. He wrapped us footballs for Christmas. They were wrapped like footballs. We could only laugh. Sundays were always the days he wanted big meals on. He used to yell and fight. Flip people off. Throw pots at the wall. Mom wasn't scared. We kept emergency phones and locked doors. SOS light even though it's just because he was sick. Karisa didn't wash the dishes once so he put them all in garbage bags and emptied it into her stuff in her room. He eventually ended up in a Nursing Home.

The day I tested positive I thought I was ok. I sat on the stairs and started crying. Daddy was in one of his moods and Mom told him " Look at your daughter." He was too aggravated.

The one place I have friends is at convention. Everyone cares and no one judges. A few days of acceptance is an amazing comfort. After I got tested I got Sabrael. It means the only angel who can fight off the demon of disease. It was meant to be. He crawled right on to my lap when I was picking. He picked me. I visited him every week 'til I could take him home. I was so excited when I brought him home, my little prince. He was so small and now he's 18 pounds. He's my baby. I used the frog prince theme for him.

Karli and I had an MRI together. They saw my brain changes and knew I had it, even before I got tested. Maybe it was the shock of reality.

I had the perfect bedroom upstairs until I had to move to the main floor for stairs purposes. I decorated it light blue with puppy paw prints. It had a queen size bed and said beware of Sabrael on a bone on the door. We turned the closet into a puppy pen. I set Sabrael on the floor in front of Daddy when he was upset and said "How could you hate this face daddy, he's potty trained and everything." Sabrael squatted right there. We quickly cleaned it up.

The first time I hurt myself was up in my old bedroom.

I was talking to a friend on the internet and they guided me through it. I cut my fingers with glass. Back when scars lasted but a day. I didn't dare to go much further. Evanescence and Flyleaf, always my bands of choice.

One day in school I was watching a movie in English. The guy on the movie started digging out his wrists. I felt sick and dizzy. I put my head down. 5 minutes to s to the bell I said to the person I chose to help me out to switch classes , "Lets Go." I got up, started walking, and dropped my books, everything went black. I woke up to the teacher running in frantically, hitting the lights and stopping the movie. The principal helped me stumble out. The nurse said I didn't eat enough, but I turned blue. We went to the doctors and checked my heart. I apparently hit my head on the desk on the way down. Talk about scaring your classmates.

I find I hate myself when I talk to people on the internet. I complain all the time. I get upset and expect them to be there. I don't understand, I'm so different and unsettled. Unable to accept anything. No just living. It's sometimes seeming selfish.

The easiest way to not feel guilt is to do things you won't regret. Read the Bible, help others, even in the smallest way, do something you've been wanting to accomplish. Be the change the world needs. Don't wait on the world. Trust in God and Jesus with all your heart and soul. Whatever's meant to happen will.

The first time I hurt myself in school, I took razorblades so I could. I went to the bathroom in English. I opened the baggie and got my fingers instead. I then got my wrist and put them back and I didn't have bandages. I got like 2 fingers. I put paper towel up my sleeve and kept pressure on it. Paper towel on my fingers and managed to say I hit my hand in the door. I got a band aid. My wrist and little finger stopped bleeding. My other finger bled all day. I managed to get a new band aid from the sub and replaced the old one, it seeped through. A blessing it stooped so I didn't have to go in. No questions, no noticing.

I'm not mad at God and Jesus. I'm mad at the change. I miss the past. I'm mad at more stress and at my inability to cope in the past.

You never can get rid of self-harm urges, just learn how to control them. Try to avoid them. Live with them. Pressure ,stress, pressure, stress, stress, pressure.

I'm scared, frustrated, and tired, But I can do anything through God and Jesus.