Getting sick

Im getting so much sicker and my personality is getting so hard for everyone to deal with it just makes you feel like a burden. When they actually tell you how much of a burden you are, and they dont want to live with you it is so hard. Being a hard and irritating friend, miserable daughter, annoying to deal with sister.

How do you deal with this?

I've been told to fake it to everyone i dont trust, everyone who cant handle the truth, and everyone who gets frusterated by it. I dont think i could, but i really just feel like i need to. The doctors have officially said use diastat for the attacks nothing else since i had my first diastat attack. Im afraid to say goodbye, i envision my funeral. I dream of people who are always there when you need them, who care, never get mad at you, need a break, get frusterated, who tell you its all going to be ok no matter what, and that they'll always be here no matter what or how irritating i am.

When I was little, we used to have squirt gun fights, with water balloons, and giant buckets of water. We would dump the water over eachother through the bathroom window. He always loved chocolate. He used to be able to get tootsie rolls for a penny each so hed sit there and count out 100 of them. He loved that so much.

Everyone just keeps saying how much i can control it, when i cant. I just want it all to stop. The pain is too much to bear, not to mention all the physical pain from the disease. Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kindgdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And led us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Amen.

Just keep reminding myself, the pain is going to be here no matter what. I don't need to keep bothering people all the time because of it. They shouldn't have to suffer with me.

Deep breaths, they help the panic attacks though. I want a life worth something. To be there for people, keeping faith. I want to love unconditionally to everyone and relate again. I want my life to mean something. It's going in the opposite direction.